It’s a beautiful Saturday morning in Austin, Texas. Had a great dinner with amazing friends, Adam and Katie Love, last night. The kind of dinner where you just cook, eat, drink. (Well, I can’t while on chemo. Man, I miss my ritas!!. They surely have to have SOME medicinal purposes!) The dinner was so nice and easy. Lots of laughter which does heal. Come home, go to bed. I wake up look in the mirror and see no hair and utter, “Dude, this is not your best look”. Oh well… I do my old man routine where I drink my coffee, read the paper and turn on ESPN. Gotta love the little things!

I start my day and like a hammer these questions interrupts my simple morning.

IF YOUR LIFE ENDED TODAY, WHAT DID YOU DO? WHO DID YOU HELP? DID YOU TRY EVERY DAY TO HAVE A CHRIST LIKE SPIRIT OF LOVE, FORGIVENESS & FAITH. DID YOU JUST BELIEVE?

Man, I just want my coffee!! The answer to those questions scared me a bit b/c I’ve fallen so short, so many times. But then I remembered God knows this. Where I am in life and it’s no surprise to him. I don’t believe he accidentally gave me cancer b/c he was not paying attention. I believe he gave me this day to do a better at being my best than I did yesterday. I think that’s how it works. You wake up, show up, try and just believe.

Now, I need to tell the people I love, that I love them b/c life happens. That’s what I’m learning…

MD Anderson is a big, massive machine. It’s insane. A great place to diagnosed not the best place to heal. Now, that I’m back home, in Austin, I met my new oncologist that will handle the next two rounds of chemo treatments. Great doctor and very old 3 school. He said, “Well, you don’t look sick, you don’t act sick and the mass has gone done by more than half in two weeks. Are you still running & working out every day”? I smiled and said, “Yes sir! Does that mean we can slow this chemo stuff down”. Then he just said, “Nope”. I quit smiling.

The chemo that I receive starts with an 8hr infusion, like an iv, that goes into a small tube stitched in my arm. After that I where a fanny pack for 5 days with the chemo liquid and that pumps into my system then I’m done for 3 weeks. (For those of you that know me…I’m so not a fanny pack guy!) At MD Anderson, they stuck me in a bed, left me alone and I always felt like a number which you are. They don’t ask for your name just patient number. So, after talking to the doctor he showed me the infusion room and along the way introduced me to nurses and staff. It was really, really nice to hear names not numbers. When I walked into the room I saw what I call “bags of hell” the chemo bags. I just wanted to say NO!!!! I ran an 8 minute mile two days ago and I can run a 5 minute mile out of here! Then it hit……peace. I looked around at everyone that was sick and didn’t feel fear but compassion. Maybe this room is where I can be an example. Maybe this room is where I become bigger than the “bags of hell”. Maybe this is where I can make someone next to me smile by telling them I hear they have a great happy hour. Maybe this is where I help someone else through God’s spirit. This is where I grow… for more than 8 hours.

Being humbled…

Having a great day right up to the point where I scratched my head and hair came out. That sick feeling we all get in our stomach hit like a freight train. I came home and shaved my head and tried to hold back the tears. They came nonstop in the shower. Now, I have a choice. I choose to pray:

Dear God,
“I don’t know why this is happening but give me your spirit and strength. Please help me to help someone else. Please. Thank you for this day, my family, my friends, Becca and amazing love and so much support I keep receiving. Thank you for not leaving”.

I keep asking myself what exactly is a “bad” day? I decided that today didn’t have to be one.

Sometimes I think b/c I have cancer that I should get a “pass” on all days sad, upsetting or discouraging for a little while. I think I could make a case that I’ve reached my quota. At these times, I want to say “ENOUGH”! Just for today, ENOUGH! Then with amazing force I am reminded that life doesn’t stop or slow down for me. It just keeps happening. I can get upset, rationalize and justify whatever I want but in the end, God gave me this day and that truly is a gift. How I choose to begin and end it is also a choice. Maybe the best thing to do is tell God, “thank you” and give this day and all its trials and drama to him and show up again tomorrow.

I have fought the good fight. I have finished the course. I have kept the faith.
– 2Timothy 4-7

Maybe our job isn’t to ask why or figure out God’s next move. Maybe our job is to wake up and ask God how to keep the faith. Some days it’s so easy and then there are the days that it seems impossible. Those are the days we let go and find freedom. A blessed freedom.